There are books that are good and books that are bad. Then you have the delightfully atrocious English As She Is Spoke — a book that is so bad that it is good.

English As She Is Spoke is the work of author Pedro Carolino. He aspired to become famous, and he achieved that goal. Sadly, he acquired fame for all the wrong reasons. His purpose was laudable: he wanted to write a Portuguese-to-English phrasebook to help his fellow Portuguese speakers learn how to navigate the English-speaking world. Ordinarily, one would think that a competent command of the English language would be a prerequisite for such a task. Carolino thought otherwise, however, and threw himself into his work, despite being about as fluent in English as he was in Klingon. The result became a treasure trove of unintentional comedy gold.

How bad was it? Consider that one of the book’s biggest fans was the legendary Mark Twain. A lover of all things quirky, he stumbled upon Carolino’s masterpiece and decided it was too absurd to resist. Twain even wrote the introduction for the first English edition, singing praises like, “Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.” High praise indeed, if not slightly tongue-in-cheek.

Now, let’s peek inside this literary wonderland. (Click the link to access a public domain copy of English As She Is Spoke.) Consider, for example, the chapter titled “Familiar Phrases.” You will encounter gems like “He has spit in my coat” or “take that boy and whip him to much.” And who could forget the timeless classic, “These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth”? And let’s not forget the charming section on “Idiotisms and Proverbs,” where Carolino treats us to such gems as “friendship of a child is water into a basket” and “take out the live coals with the hand of the cat.” It’s like a linguistic rollercoaster ride with no seatbelts.

But wait, there’s more! Carolino’s unique approach to language education included a preface written in a style of English that could only be described as… well, unique. It was meant for “the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, of which we dedicate him particularly.” The book, alas, did not quite catch on with the Portuguese-speaking crowd as intended. In fact, it was never published in Portugal. One hundred thirty-three years later, it did find its way to the bookstores of Brazil, but as a comedic work rather than as language reference material.

“Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”

— Mark Twain

Fast forward to today, and Carolino’s masterpiece still tickles the funny bones of language enthusiasts worldwide. It’s been rumored to have inspired Monty Python’s Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook skit, ensuring that its influence lives on to this day.

Many of Carolino’s mistranslations look like the worst examples of relying entirely on Google Translate. Consider these beauties:

Sentence in Portuguese	Given translation	Idiomatic translation
As paredes têm ouvidos.	The walls have hearsay.	The walls have ears.
Anda de gatinhas.	He go to four feet.	He’s crawling.
A estrada é segura?	Is sure the road?	Is the road safe?
Sabe montar a cavalo.	He know ride horse.	He can ride a horse.
Quem cala consente.	That not says a word, consent.	Silence is consent.
Que faz ele?	What do him?	What does he do? / What is he doing?
Tenho vontade de vomitar.	I have mind to vomit.	I want to vomit.
Este lago parece-me bem piscoso. Vamos pescar para nos divertirmos.	That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse rather to the fishing.	This lake looks full of fish. Let’s have some fun fishing.
O criado arou a terra real.	The created plough the land real.	The servant ploughed the royal land.
Bem sei o que devo fazer ou me compete.	I know well who I have to make.	I know very well what I have to do and what my responsibilities are.
Eu ganhei mais de trinta mil réis.	I had gained ten lewis.	I won more than thirty thousand réis.
Entendestes ôu entendeu o que eu disse?	Have you understant that y have said?	Did you understand what I said?
Elle dá couces pelo que vejo. Olhe como eu o sobe domar.	Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix.	[To a horse rider] From what I see, he kicks. Look at how I was able to tame him.

What else can we say? Nothing can take the place of diving into this timeless classic and experiencing it for yourself. If you you find yourself lost for words, just remember Carolino’s sage counsel: “A horse baared don’t look him the tooth.”

Wise words, indeed.

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