We are told that every girl dreams about the perfect wedding and begins planning it long before meeting Mr. Right. We are led to understand that such plans typically include a beautiful dress, lots of flowers, a fairy tale setting, and a large gathering of loved ones to join in the celebration.

Or you could opt for a simple ceremony presided over by the taxidermic remained of a bear that died of a drug overdose. This takes the concept of romance to previously unknown levels.

In 1985, drug smugglers Andrew Carter Thornton II and Bill Leonard jettisoned several containers of cocaine from their airplane over Tennessee due to the plane being overweight. Later, the smugglers abandoned the plane as well. Thornton struck his head on the tail of the aircraft in the process and fatally fell to the ground.

There was another fatality out of this tragic incident. Authorities later found a 175-pound (79-kg) American black bear, dead from a drug overdose. The bear had stumbled upon the jettisoned drugs, tore them open, and sucked them up like a vacuum cleaner. By the time its body was found, the bear’s stomach was packed with cocaine. According to the medical examiner who performed the necropsy, “Its stomach was literally packed to the brim with cocaine. There isn’t a mammal on the planet that could survive that. Cerebral hemorrhaging, respiratory failure, hyperthermia, renal failure, heart failure, stroke. You name it, that bear had it.”

The bear earned the name Pablo Eskobear (sometimes spelled Escobear), in homage to Pablo Escobar, the notorious drug trafficker. Escobar seems destined to be linked with animals, as documented in this article about his role in introducing hippos as an invasive species in Colombia. Although the bear was dead, its body was in otherwise good shape. The medical examiner had it taxidermied and gave it to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area. It is now a featured exhibit at the “Kentucky for Kentucky Fun Mall” in Lexington, Kentucky.

The bear would likely have remained as nothing more than a curious footnote in the war against drugs, had it not been for the 2023 American comedy film Cocaine Bear. The movie takes a wee bit of liberty with the facts. No, that’s not fair. “Facts” threw up its hands in surrender before the opening credits had rolled. In the movie, the bear does not die a quiet, solitary death from O.D.ing on its discovery. Instead, it goes on a murderous rampage before being shot to death.

As a result of the film’s popularity, the real Cocaine Bear has taken on celebrity status. Visitors flock to the Fun Mall to see the bear, have their pictures taken with it, and, back to the point of this article, get married by it.

On March 27, 2023, Cocaine Bear officiated the nuptials of Armando Elizondo and Alexandra Venturino. According to this video, the bride and groom stood before the stuffed critter as a voice over a speaker made it sound as if it was saying, “We are gathered here today to bear witness and to celebrate Armando and Alexandra in holy, high matrimony… By the power vested in me by all the cocaine I ate and blew, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Ya’ll may eat each other’s faces.”

Who says romance is dead?

You might be wondering what legal authority a deceased non-human has to perform a wedding. We wondered that, as well. According to the Fun Mall co-founder Griffin VanMeter, Kentucky’s marriage laws mean that Cocaine Bear can perform nuptials, “as long as you feel that the person marrying you — like Cocaine Bear — has the authority, then that marriage can be binding here in Kentucky.”

Inasmuch as we didn’t see any indications that VanMeter had any kind of legal training, we were a bit dubious about his interpretation of the law. The Commonplace Fun Facts Legal Department has its doubts, as well. Kentucky Revised Statutes section 402.050 identify the following as authorized wedding officiants:

402.050 Who may solemnize marriage — Persons present.
(1) Marriage shall be solemnized only by:
(a) Ministers of the gospel or priests of any denomination in regular communion with any religious society;
(b) Justices and judges of the Court of Justice, retired justices and judges of the Court of Justice except those removed for cause or convicted of a felony, county judges/executive, and such justices of the peace and fiscal court commissioners as the Governor or the county judge/executive authorizes; or
(c) A religious society that has no officiating minister or priest and whose usage is to solemnize marriage at the usual place of worship and by consent given in the presence of the society, if either party belongs to the society.
(2) At least two (2) persons, in addition to the parties and the person solemnizing the marriage, shall be present at every marriage.

Notably absent from the list are any animals. Even more interesting is that retired judges and justices are not authorized to officiate if they were removed from office for cause or upon conviction of a felony. That leads us to suspect that the legislators of Kentucky thought there should be some level of dignity in a wedding ceremony.

The statute VanMeter appears to be referencing would be section 402.070:

402.070 Marriage not invalid for want of authority to solemnize.
No marriage solemnized before any person professing to have authority therefor shall be invalid for the want of such authority, if it is consummated with the belief of the parties, or either of them, that he had authority and that they have been lawfully married.

This probably hinges on whether the bride and groom reasonably believed that a deceased bear had the authority to tie the knot. If so, one questions whether the provisions of section 402.020 should have applied: “Marriage is prohibited and void… with a person who has been adjudged mentally disabled by a court of competent jurisdiction….”

The statute appears to address situations where, unbeknownst to the happy couple, the minister who presided over the ceremony had been stripped of clergy credentials, or the marriage was performed by a retired judge who had been convicted of a felony. It probably wasn’t written to address situations where two people believe an inanimate object has the legal authority to unite them in holy matrimony.

There’s also this troubling little issue:

402.220 Return of license and certificate to clerk after ceremony.
The person solemnizing the marriage or the clerk of the religious society before which it was solemnized shall within one (1) month return the license to the county clerk of the county in which it was issued, with a certificate of the marriage over his signature, giving the date and place of celebration and the names of at least two (2) of the persons present.

We’re not sure how Cocaine Bear was able to sign the certificate, let alone return it to the county clerk.

We realize, however, that we have already put a lot more thought into this and expressed more concern about the sanctity of marriage than those who decide they want to be married by a stuffed bear who died of an O.D. Suffice it to say that if you want your marriage to be legit (not to mention enduring) we recommend you talk to a pastor, not a bear bereft of life.

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