We’ve all been there. You’re minding your own business, having a perfectly decent day, when suddenly your bladder hails the bridge like Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott in full panic mode: “Captain! She cannae hold much longer! The tanks are at critical, and if we don’t vent soon, there’ll be a catastrophic systems failure!” At which point your brain drops everything, reroutes all power to the warp engines, and plots a course for the nearest restroom with the urgency of a starship trying to outrun a Romulan torpedo.

Hopefully, the mission ends successfully: you reach the bathroom, systems are vented, red alert is cancelled, and all is well in the galaxy of bodily functions. But once in a very rare while, nature decides to throw the rulebook into a black hole. That’s what happened to one poor soul in the 18th century, whose internal plumbing went so far off-script it stopped obeying the basic laws of biology. Instead of sending its waste through the usual channels, her body decided to improvise — rerouting urine through her eyes, ears, nose, and even her belly button.

Aye, Captain. You heard that right. A human being, transformed into the galaxy’s least dignified fountain. And because the universe delights in outdoing itself, this isn’t the plot of a particularly weird crossover between Star Trek and House. It’s a documented medical case that left 18th-century physicians baffled, horrified, and furiously sharpening their quills. Welcome to the strange and unsettling story of Maria Burton and the rare condition known as Paruria Erratica — proof that when the body goes rogue, even Scotty wasn’t enough of a miracle worker to fix this engineering nightmare.

Editor’s Note: If you’ve been hanging around Commonplace Fun Facts long enough to know your wombat poop trivia from your charming axe-murder bedtime stories, this story might ring a bell. We covered it years ago, back when we were still figuring out how to string sentences together without getting our feet tangled up in a dangling participle. It never quite hit the mark, so we did the merciful thing: vaporized the old version and started fresh. Consider this the upgraded, better-seasoned edition — now with 30% more sarcasm and 100% fewer rookie mistakes. Empathy sold separately. Batteries not included.

Background: A Most Unusual Case

The story of Maria Burton — sometimes spelled “Brenton” in old texts, because spelling consistency was apparently optional in the 18th century — was documented by Dr. Salmon Augustus Arnold in “Case of Paruria Erratica, or Uroplania” in the October 1825 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine.

Born in the early 1700s, Maria was an ordinary woman until her body decided to become a one-woman plumbing experiment. Medical records tell us that she suffered from an extraordinarily rare and deeply unsettling condition called Paruria Erratica, which literally means “wandering urination.” (Fun Fact: “Wandering Urination” was our cousin’s nickname until he was finally potty trained in the 7th grade.) It’s the sort of diagnosis that sounds like a cruel joke, but it was dead serious: Maria’s body rerouted urine production to places it absolutely did not belong.

Now, because 18th-century medicine was about as precise as a toddler with a butter knife, our sources are a mix of speculation, earnest observation, and a generous helping of guesswork. Still, Maria’s case is well-documented enough that medical historians have been scratching their heads over it for more than 250 years.

First Symptoms: It Started With the Ears

Maria’s strange medical saga began innocently enough. One day, she noticed a discharge from her ears. At first, doctors assumed it was pus from an ear infection — a reasonable conclusion, since the 18th-century medical field’s two favorite diagnoses were “infection” and “miasma.” But the discharge kept coming… and coming… and eventually someone realized that it wasn’t pus at all. It was urine.

Dr. Arnold was summoned. Later, as he wrote up the case, he reflected, “In September 1822, soon after I first saw her, the urine not having been drawn off by the catheter for seventy-two hours, found an outlet by the right ear, oozing drop by drop, and continued for several hours after the bladder had been emptied. The next day at five o’clock P.M. it again commenced and continued about as long as on the day preceding, but a larger quantity was discharged. This was projected on a heated shovel and gave out that odour so peculiar to this secretion, indicating the presence of urea.”

Today, the practice of using a heated shovel is probably not covered by your health insurance. In those days, it was a reasonably quick way of assessing the composition of a substance through smell. 

Dr. Arnold continued: “It continued to be discharged once a day for several days, oozing out guttatim [drop-by-drop], commencing earlier, increasing in quantity and being discharged in less time; then twice a day at three and seven o’clock P. M., varying but very little for some days, then three times a day at two, nine, and eleven o’clock P. M., and so continuing, then four times a day, at ten o’clock A.M. and from eight to eleven o’clock P.M., increasing gradually in quantity and being discharged in less time until a pint was discharged in fifteen minutes in a stream, about the size of a crow quill, then becoming more irregular being discharged every few hours, and increasing in quantity until eighty ounces were discharged in twenty-four hours.”

The average person urinates 1.6 – 4 pints (800-2,000 ml) per day. Burton, incredibly, was producing four pints each day out of her ear. This, unsurprisingly, carried a few side effects. Throughout the ordeal, her psychological symptoms swayed dramatically. At times she was in severe pain, to the degree that she had to be restrained to prevent her from self-harm. Other times, she exhibited euphoria, during which she would sing, laugh, and talk incoherently. Sometimes she lay in a catatonic state.

And Then the Eyes

At this point, any sane person would start asking difficult questions about life, the universe, and everything. Maria, however, had no time for existential dread, because her body was just getting started. She had difficulty understanding conversation because of the loud sound of rushing water (understandably). It turns out the ears were just the beginning.

After the ears came the eyes. She began weeping tears of urine — not metaphorically, like someone crying over a plumbing bill, but literally. Her eyes became functional urethras. Instead of being windows to the soul, they were fire hydrants from the outhouse. She would lose her vision, get it back, and lose it again multiple times over six weeks.

More Than She Could Stomach

The poor woman endured this horrifying turn of events for several weeks. Her doctors had no idea what was causing it. It was more than she could stomach — quite literally. 

From Dr. Arnold’s report: “On the 10th of March, 1823, urine began to be discharged in great quantities from the stomach, unmixed with its contents. The greatest quantify was generally discharged in the morning before taking food, but it was frequently discharged soon after food had been taken, with which it was often entirely unmixed. This discharge has been more regular than from the left ear and eyes, but less so than from the other outlets.”

In other words, she is peeing from her ears and eyes. Now she is vomiting urine, too. Well, at least there’s nowhere else it can come from, right?

Something Less Pleasant than the Milk of Human Kindness

Beginning on April 21, Maria began complaining of pain from her right breast. Upon examination, her doctor found — you guessed it — drops of urine. By the 29th, it was flowing steadily. By the end of November, the urine appeared to be mixed with a milky substance. It continued this way until December 12, when Dr. Arnold noted that the fluid “gradually resumed its usual color.”

Keep in mind here that by “usual color,” he is referring to the color of urine. Maria’s condition was such that her physician considered pure urine from the breast much more normal than anything that might contain milk.

This is getting ridiculous. For those who are keeping track, Maria Burton is peeing from her ears, eyes, mouth, and breasts. Surely, that’s the extent of this strange tale, isn’t it?

But wait… there’s more. 

Contemplating the Navel

As Dr. Arnold notes: “May 10th, 1823, The abdomen about the hypogastric and umbilical region became violently and spasmodically contracted into hard bunches, and a sharp pain was felt shooting up from the bladder to the umbilicus, around which there was a severe twisting pain; in a few days subsequently a loud noise was heard, similar to that produced by drawing a cork from a bottle, and immediately afterward urine spirted out from the navel as from a fountain. This discharge has since continued and has rarely been interrupted for many days.”

“…in a few days subsequently a loud noise was heard, similar to that produced by drawing a cork from a bottle, and immediately afterward urine spirted out from the navel…”

As if all of her problems weren’t enough, Maria Burton suddenly became a fountain of urine, with her belly button as the primary spout. Weird beyond belief, to be sure, but at least the phenomenon is moving downward. Perhaps this is an indication that she will soon resume urinating from the place she is supposed to do so.

What’s Next? Who Nose?

Again, from Dr. Arnold: “Nature wearied in her irregularities, made her last effort, which completed the phenomena of this case, and established a discharge of urine from the nose. This discharge commenced on the 30th of July 1823, oozing in the morning guttatim [drop by drop] and increasing in quantity every day until it ran off in a considerable stream. It continued daily for about two months, when it ceased until the summer of 1824, and then again commenced and continued almost daily for some months, since which it has entirely ceased.”

Again, back to the scorecard. We have urine from:

• Ears
• Eyes
• Mouth
• Breasts
• Navel
• Nose

Not to be indelicate, but since there was urine in her stomach, we can reasonably conclude that when it was not being vomited through her mouth, it was discharged at the other end of her body. In other words, Maria Burton basically was peeing from everywhere except the one place she was supposed to. Ironically, she needed catheterization to the bladder for that to happen.

If you are looking for a more detailed scorecard of all the places from which Maria secreted urine, this has all the makings of being your lucky day. Dr. Arnold helpfully provided a 17-page inventory, along with detailed accounts of the quantities produced. It can be found at the end of his article.

Did She Survive?

Fortunately for Maria Burton, she got better-ish. 

Dr. Arnold reported, “This great disturbance in the system continued to increase for nearly six months, and it was the opinion of all who saw the patient that she could not survive from day to day; after which period it gradually abated, and she is now when the urine is freely discharged, so much relieved that she is able to walk about her room, and during the summer of 1824, frequently rode out. The discharges from the right ear, the right breast and navel, continue daily, but they are not so great nor so frequent as they were a year since, from the bladder the quantity is as usual, from the stomach, nose, and eye, there has for some months been no discharge.”

In other words, she continued to pee from her right ear, right breast, and belly button, but not nearly as much as she used to. You and I might be horrified at the prospect of living life under those conditions, but Maria was probably delighted to be in remission, such as it was. 

What Is Paruria Erratica?

“Paruria Erratica” isn’t a term you’ll find in your average WebMD search. It’s an old Latin name given to urinary discharge from abnormal locations. In Maria’s case, the condition was so erratic that it bypassed every conventional channel entirely. Historical physicians hypothesized all sorts of explanations, ranging from divine punishment (a popular go-to for unexplained medical events) to internal ruptures that caused urine to leak into unrelated organs.

One theory suggested that Maria suffered from a severe urinary tract obstruction, causing urine to back up and eventually burst through weaker membranes elsewhere in the body. Another possibility is the formation of fistulas — abnormal passageways between organs — which could, in extremely rare circumstances, lead to urine being expelled through the eyes, nose, or ears. Modern medicine recognizes these fistulas as possible complications of infection, trauma, or surgery. In Maria’s time, though, “fistula” was just Latin for “we have no idea what’s going on, but it’s bad.”

Medical Documentation: 18th-Century Science at Work

Maria’s case was recorded medical journals of the era. Doctors marveled at her condition, performing all sorts of tests (none of which involved hand sanitizer, obviously). They collected samples, documented the frequency and quantity of discharge, and attempted rudimentary chemical analyses to confirm that yes, this really was urine.

One physician noted that Maria’s urine flow from her eyes was so strong that it “issued forth in a stream sufficient to wet a handkerchief.” That’s a sentence no one should ever have to write, yet here we are. The discharge from her ears was even more copious, reportedly enough to “fill a vessel in the course of a day.” These observations weren’t just gross curiosity; they were meant to prove that the phenomenon wasn’t metaphorical or exaggerated. Maria was, quite literally, urinating from places that had no business handling waste removal.

When Your Body Becomes a Fountain: Other Bizarre Medical Oddities

As absurd as Maria’s case sounds, the medical world is full of equally baffling oddities. Consider lacrimation hematodes, the condition in which people cry tears of blood — rare but well-documented, and enough to launch a thousand horror movies. Or pneumaturia, where gas escapes through the urinary tract (essentially, urinary burps). And then there’s autobrewery syndrome, in which a person’s gut ferments food into alcohol, effectively turning them into a walking distillery. Compared to those, Maria’s condition is still in a league of its own, but it proves that the human body is capable of astonishing levels of creativity when things go wrong.

Even animals aren’t immune to strange urinary behavior. Some turtles excrete urine through their mouths to conserve water, and a certain type of fish urinates through its skin. Nature, apparently, has a deep and abiding disregard for plumbing conventions.

Modern Perspective: Could This Happen Today?

So, could a person in the 21st century experience something like Maria Burton’s Paruria Erratica? The short answer is: sort of, but not exactly. Medicine today understands that urine is produced in the kidneys, travels down the ureters, and exits through the bladder and urethra. For urine to appear elsewhere, something has to go seriously wrong.

The most plausible modern explanation involves fistulas — abnormal tunnels between organs. A vesicovaginal fistula can cause urine to leak into the vagina, while a vesicointestinal fistula might connect the bladder to the colon. These can be caused by trauma, surgery, infection, or even certain cancers. In rare and extreme cases, if urine leaked into the bloodstream or lymphatic system, it might theoretically emerge through mucous membranes elsewhere — perhaps even the eyes or nose. But that’s a level of physiological catastrophe that would likely be fatal today without immediate intervention.

There’s also the possibility of misdiagnosis. Could some of Maria’s “urine” discharge have actually been other fluids mistaken for urine? Analytical chemistry in the 1700s was not exactly advanced, and the line between “definitely urea” and “mystery body juice” might have been blurry. Still, the consistency of the observations across multiple physicians suggests they were fairly confident in their conclusions.

Did a Woman Really Urinate from Her Eyes?

Yes — at least, according to every contemporary source we have. Maria Burton’s case wasn’t the invention of a bored 18th-century novelist. It appeared in reputable scientific journals, was observed by multiple physicians, and persisted over a long period. That doesn’t mean every detail is beyond question, but the broad strokes are accepted as fact by medical historians.

And Maria wasn’t alone. Other scattered historical cases report similar phenomena, though none as dramatic. A 19th-century case in France described a woman who excreted urine through a tear duct after a traumatic injury. Another involved nasal discharge of urine following severe bladder damage. These examples lend credibility to Maria’s story — bizarre, yes, but not impossible.

Theories and Speculation: What Was Really Going On?

Medical historians have floated several theories about Maria’s condition:

• Severe urinary obstruction: A blockage could have caused urine to back up and eventually rupture into adjacent tissues, forming abnormal drainage pathways.
• Congenital malformations: Maria might have been born with hidden fistulas or abnormal connections between urinary and other systems, which worsened over time.
• Systemic infection: A massive infection could have eroded tissue barriers and created new channels for fluid discharge.
• Prolapsed Bladder: Some — but not all — of what Dr. Arnold described could be caused by a prolapsed bladder.
• Vestigial Umbilical Cord: The urine from the navel could be the result of a remnant of the umbilical cord called the urachus. It drains urine from the bladder of a fetus in the first months of pregnancy. It typically disappears at birth but occasionally remains and can become reanimated.
• Misinterpretation: Some historians argue the discharge might not have been urine at all but another fluid contaminated with urea, leading doctors to jump to conclusions.

None of these explanations is entirely satisfying, but that’s part of what makes Maria’s story so compelling. It straddles the line between the medically possible and the downright miraculous — or, depending on your worldview, the medically horrifying and the cosmically unfair.

Legacy: A Cautionary Tale for Medical History

Maria Burton eventually faded from the medical record, her ultimate fate unknown. She may have succumbed to complications of her condition, or perhaps the symptoms resolved on their own — a not-unheard-of outcome for certain fistulas. What’s certain is that her case left a lasting impression on generations of physicians, anatomists, and the occasional horrified medical student.

Her story remains a staple of medical history lectures about rare urinary disorders, and it’s occasionally cited in discussions of spontaneous fistula formation. It also serves as a sobering reminder of how far medicine has come. Today, a patient like Maria would be rushed into imaging studies, surgical interventions, and targeted treatments. In her time, she got quills, handkerchiefs, and a lot of uncomfortable staring.

Conclusion: When Biology Goes Off-Script

Maria Burton’s bizarre ordeal sits at the crossroads of medicine, mystery, and madness. It’s a testament to how little 18th-century physicians understood about the body, how creative the human body can get under duress, and how deeply uncomfortable a phrase like “urinating from the eyes” can make us feel. Her case is a reminder that biology doesn’t always follow the rulebook — and when it doesn’t, the results can be equal parts horrifying and fascinating.

So the next time you complain about a runny nose or watery eyes, be grateful. Your body may have its quirks, but at least it’s not trying to reroute your urinary tract through your face. Maria Burton didn’t have that luxury. She lived with one of the strangest, most unsettling conditions ever recorded — a historical oddity that proves truth is often far stranger (and far wetter) than fiction.

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