Animals

Pitiful Perishing Under Pachyderm Poop

We acknowledge from the beginning that we have our doubts about the authenticity of this story. It has a been reported on several websites, such as this one, this one, and this one. Despite multiple sources, it sets off our Spidey sense as being an urban legend.

It is, however, just weird enough and potentially true that we feel compelled to share the sad story of Friedrich Riesfeldt.

Riesfeldt was a zookeeper at a zoo in Paderborn, Germany. One of the animals under his care was an elephant by the name of Stefan.

It may have been a regular day for Riesfeldt, but Stefan was feeling a bit irregular. That is to say that he was a wee bit constipated.

Riesfeldt watched with growing concern as Stefan failed to produce any evidence that his constipation had passed. The troubled zookeeper added fiber to the elephant’s meals, but that didn’t do the trick. He tried more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes, but nothing seemed to get things moving again.

Moving on to some pharmaceutical solutions, Riesfeldt reached for a laxative. One dose wasn’t helping. Neither did the second dose. In desperation, he kept giving Stefan more and more of the laxative, stopping only after administering the 22nd treatment.

As Stefan showed growing signs of discomfort, the zookeeper realized that he needed more of a hands-on solution. He whipped up an olive-oil enema.

This final remedy achieved the desired effect, but much more quickly and violently than Riesfeldt anticipated. Like the sudden eruption of Mount Krakatoa, the poor plugged-up pachyderm propelled powerful projectiles of poop toward the unprepared zookeeper. Riesfeldt was knocked the ground under the onslaught. He struck his head on a rock, rendering him unconscious. Before he could recover, he was buried under more than 200 pounds of long-accumulated colon collections.

Sadly, before anyone could come to his aid, Riesfeldt suffocated under the mass of manure. The devoted zookeeper gave his life to free Stefan’s bowels.


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