Pitiful Perishing Under Pachyderm Poop

We acknowledge from the beginning that we have our doubts about the authenticity of this story. It has a been reported on several websites, such as this one, this one, and this one. Despite multiple sources, it sets off our Spidey sense as being an urban legend.

It is, however, just weird enough and potentially true that we feel compelled to share the sad story of Friedrich Riesfeldt.

Riesfeldt was a zookeeper at a zoo in Paderborn, Germany. One of the animals under his care was an elephant by the name of Stefan.

It may have been a regular day for Riesfeldt, but Stefan was feeling a bit irregular. That is to say that he was a wee bit constipated.

Riesfeldt watched with growing concern as Stefan failed to produce any evidence that his constipation had passed. The troubled zookeeper added fiber to the elephant’s meals, but that didn’t do the trick. He tried more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes, but nothing seemed to get things moving again.

Moving on to some pharmaceutical solutions, Riesfeldt reached for a laxative. One dose wasn’t helping. Neither did the second dose. In desperation, he kept giving Stefan more and more of the laxative, stopping only after administering the 22nd treatment.

As Stefan showed growing signs of discomfort, the zookeeper realized that he needed more of a hands-on solution. He whipped up an olive-oil enema.

This final remedy achieved the desired effect, but much more quickly and violently than Riesfeldt anticipated. Like the sudden eruption of Mount Krakatoa, the poor plugged-up pachyderm propelled powerful projectiles of poop toward the unprepared zookeeper. Riesfeldt was knocked the ground under the onslaught. He struck his head on a rock, rendering him unconscious. Before he could recover, he was buried under more than 200 pounds of long-accumulated colon collections.

Sadly, before anyone could come to his aid, Riesfeldt suffocated under the mass of manure. The devoted zookeeper gave his life to free Stefan’s bowels.

How to Combine Fecal Examinations, Parasites, and Dinner

If you happen to acquire a time machine, there are many past events you may wish to experience. Odds are that one of those will not be the dinner lecture sponsored by Cornell University’s Parasitology Club on March 4, 2020. It featured Dr. Araceli Lucio-Forster, a lecturer in the Department of Microbiology and Immunology, who…

Keep reading

Why is Whale Poop So Stinking Valuable?

What is yellowish-gray, comes after a whale, and is worth more than $1,000 per ounce? No, this isn’t the start of a corny joke; it is a legitimate question. The answer is whale poop. To find out why people are so eager to find and pay for something whales are so eager to get rid…

Keep reading

The Ones and Twos of Going Number 1 and Number 2

Did you ever complain while doing your math homework and ask, “Why do I need to learn this?” Probably someone responded by telling you that no matter what you choose to do with your life, you’re going to have to use math in some way. It turns out this is true, even if you plan…

Keep reading

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.