Attorneys have a long tradition of beginning arguments before a judge by saying, “May it please the court.” When one particularly troublesome case was settled without a trial,  the judge was not only pleased, he was absolutely thrilled. 

Kenton County, Kentucky Circuit Court Judge Martin J. Sheehan entered an order canceling a jury trial when the parties informed him of a settlement. He used the occasion to express his delight that the case had gone away:

“[T]he parties having informed the Court that the herein matter has been settled amicably and that there is no need for a Court ruling on the remaining motions and also that there is no need for a trial;

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a twelve foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory;

IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED AND ADJUDGED by the court …. the jury trial scheduled herein for July 13, 2011 is hereby CANCELED.”

He also ordered that “The Clerk shall engage the services of a structural engineer to ascertain if the return of this file to the Clerk’s office will exceed the maximum structural load of the floors of said office.”

Read the original court order here.