Who hasn’t experienced the anxiety of Buyer’s Regret? An item can seem so inviting, practical, and joy-giving when you see it on the shelf or advertised on the television, but when you take it out of its box, you ask yourself, “What on earth was I thinking?” If you have difficulty forgiving yourself for your latest buy-before-you-think moment, take a look at these examples of horrible products. Unless you bought one of these, you’ll probably start to feel better about your own lapse of judgment.
1. The Car Exhaust Grill
How often have you been sitting in traffic, thinking, “Oh, if only I could harness the healthful emissions from my car so my dinner can be ready for me when I get home”? If that’s you, then you’re in luck. The Car Exhaust Grill can be yours. Marketed as a way to be friendly toward the environment, it does beg the question of how you’re supposed to check to see whether your dinner is done cooking while you are on a busy interstate. It should be perfect for busy commuters, environmentally-concerned citizens, and those who savor the mouthwatering taste of meat mixed with savory carcinogens.
2. Chopstick Fan
Some days the effort of blowing on hot noodles is just too much, isn’t it? Rather than face the no-win scenario of choosing between a burned mouth or an empty stomach, you should purchase the Chopstick Fan. Sure, it may be a bit cumbersome to have a fan attached to your chopstick, but just imagine how much easier it will be to eat with all the extra air in your lungs. Warning: Those sitting to your side may experience more of your lunch than you will.
3. Air-Conditioned Shoes
Air-conditioned shoes? At last, the promised luxury of space-age technology is upon us! If your feet are comfortable, then your whole body is comfortable, isn’t it? Hydro-Tech ushers us into the future with these promising foot comforters. Oh, before you get too excited, we should point out that they don’t actually have little air conditioners in the shoes. The innovative technology consists of a bunch of holes in the shoes. That’s right — the typical junior high boy’s shoes have already anticipated Hydro-Tech’s patented ingenuity. In any event, they can be yours for approximately $45.
The CTA Digital iPotty is meant to make potty training less of a chore for kids. The potty training chair comes complete with an iPad holder. We eagerly await the inevitable potty training app that will make the experience truly immersive.
5. Shoe Umbrella
Rain and wet shoes just go together, don’t they? Not anymore! Thanks to the Shoe Umbrella, you can be out in a downpour and still keep your feet — well, actually, just the front half of them — nice and dry. The danger (other than looking ridiculous) is that you will bring a double curse of bad luck upon yourself if you fail to close the umbrellas before walking indoors.
6. USB Pet Rock
At last, the Pet Rock enters the 21st century! No more must you face the horrifying possibility of a Pet Rock without sufficient electrical power. Thanks to the USB Pet Rock, you can plug your Pet Rock into any computer so it can — well — just sit there.
7. Goldfish Walker
For too long, fish owners have enviously watched dog owners walking by with their beloved pets right beside them. Recognizing the emotional trauma experienced by human and fish whenever separated, Mick Madden invented the Goldfish Walker. With one of these handy devices, you will soon have people stopping you on the street, asking if they can pet your goldfish.
8. Potty Putter Toilet Golf
Do you want to practice putting on Hole #1 while you are going number 2? At last, you can with Potty Putter Toilet Golf. If you have this, be sure your aim is good for both tasks you undertake.
9. Walking Sleeping Bag
The walking sleeping bag is just the thing for anyone who wants to stay toasty warm while strolling through the streets, scaring young children and triggering nightmares for those of weak constitutions. For campers, it comes in a nice, dark color, that will make it easier to blend into the shadows to avoid the bullets of anyone who gets freaked out by your nighttime meandering through the trees.
10. Chopstick/Fork/Knife Combo
Anyone who has not grown up in an Asian culture may find the use of chopsticks a difficult skill to master. Having said that, isn’t it just enabling poor skills if your chopsticks can easily convert into a knife and fork? Nevertheless, the makers of the multi-function chopstick believe their product can make even the clumsiest westerner into a skilled chopstick-savvy consumer.
11. Pizza Scissors
Admittedly, the Pizza Scissors may be useful, but its use is limited. For the next time you see a freshly-cooked, uncut pizza, and you want a single slice, the Pizza Scissors are just what you need — assuming you want to be a jerk and leave the rest of the pizza uncut, so the next person has to deal with the problem. Given the ease of use of a traditional pizza cutter, you could presumably do four quick passes over the pizza in less time and with less energy than it would take to position and cut out a single piece.
12. Measuring Tape Belt
There are two types of people who will want the Measuring Tape Belt: those who are looking for peer pressure to stay on their diets, and those who want to rub your nose in the fact that they are skinnier than you are. Either way, this product seems to have narcissism written all over it.
13. Cell Phone Shaver
It is considered rude to be checking your email on your phone while sitting in class or in a meeting. Is there a rule against using that time to grab a quick shave, though? Thanks to this loophole in the rules about cell phone use, the Cell Phone Shaver allows you to make good use of this otherwise-wasted time for your daily grooming. Roaming charges may apply.
14. Privacy Hoodie
Sometimes you want to protect your privacy while feeling a little chilly. With the Privacy Hoodie you can do both at the same time. Don’t worry…. It allows for privacy by covering your computer screen. It also encourages privacy by ensuring that fellow library patrons make sure they stay as far away from you as possible.
The Neckpro is marketed as a device to help with neck and back alignment through traction. We suspect it is all a ruse, and its real purpose is to serve as a suicide device for those who haven’t mastered the skill of tying a noose.
16. Facial Flex
The Facial Flex is meant to provide an all natural facelift and neck muscle toning. Every advertisement we have been able to find makes it look like some creepy medieval torture device. Perhaps it should be marketed toward dentists, instead.
17. Diet Water
We all know how important it is to stay properly hydrated, but who wants to deal with all of water’s extra calories? Thankfully, you no longer have to choose between hydration and a trim tummy, thanks to Diet Water. We are eagerly awaiting the next breakthrough, to assist those who are lost in the desert: Instant Water — all the hydration you need to stay alive. Just add water and stir.
18. Remote Wrangler
Who hasn’t reached for the remote control, only to realize it has been misplaced? Or who hasn’t grappled with the problem of having an end table that is too small to hold all of the different remotes needed to control every entertainment device? Those problems are yesterday’s news, thanks to the Remote Wrangler, which allows you to attach your remotes via Velcro to a ski mask or headband. One word of warning: be sure to remove the Remote Wrangler before leaving the house.
19. Gas-Powered Flashlight
What do you do if there is a natural disaster and the power goes out? You reach for a flashlight, of course. The only problem is that batteries are so hard to keep on hand and to make sure they are fully charged. Thankfully, this problem has been addressed with the Gas-Powered Flashlight. Nothing says “safety” more than carbon monoxide-producing, combustible illumination to be used when the world around you is falling apart.
20. The DVD Rewinder
Just imagine the scenario: you have a big bowl of freshly-popped popcorn. You sit down in your favorite chair. You get comfortable. You push PLAY on the remote, only to find that whoever last watched that movie put the DVD back in its case without rewinding it! Rather than waste countless hours rewinding all of your DVDs, you can let the DVD Rewinder do it for you.
21. Pizza Pouch
Everyone likes pizza, right? The only problem with pizza is that it just isn’t very convenient to take a slice along with you as you go about your day. Thanks to the Pizza Pouch, you can have your pizza right at your fingertips. Well, you can have it around your neck, anyway. What better way to not only enjoy your pizza but to show the world just how much of a pizza lover you are?
Nothing is more comforting than to put on a nice, clean pair of underpants in the morning. Now, thanks to Handerpants, you can experience that sensation three times every day! Hurry and order yours now. While you are doing so, be sure to buy an extra set. Mother always said to wear clean Handerpants, because you might get in an accident and have to go to the hospital.
Read about more interesting inventions.
Ask yourself, “What were they thinking?” as you read these funny headlines.