Absent Mindedness

What Were These Headline Writers Thinking?

A headline is designed to capture the reader’s attention and draw him or her into the story. Sometimes that happens in entirely unexpected ways. Take a look at some of the most hilarious headlines to have graced the newspapers.

Greenland Meteorite May Be From Space

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Reporters are supposed to restrain themselves from jumping too quickly to conclusions. In this case, the writer of the headline is only suggesting the possibility that a meteorite came from space. It is unclear what additional research is needed.

Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died

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While it is true that the public tends to read just about anything written about the UK’s royal family, the fact that Diana, Princess of Wales, was alive even before she was dead is hardly news. If the newspaper has information about her being alive hours after she died, well, that’s an entirely different story.

Planes Forced to Land at Airports

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As exciting as it is to hear about a pilot successfully touching down on a busy freeway, it’s pretty much agreed that airport runways are the preferred place to land.

Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs

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The genius who came to this conclusion might want to apply to get some grant money from the place that funded a study into why walking with a cup of coffee tends to cause it to spill.

Illiteracy an Obstacle, Study Finds

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Who woulda thunk it? Clearly, the need to be literate was not a hinderance to the next headline writer’s career….

Missippi’s Mississippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement

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But evidently, there is still a lot of wrok work to be done.

Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says

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Oh dear. We can’t even….

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

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This is, indeed, big news. We would’ve thought age 20 would have been the defining moment. We are quite curious about the teen pregnancies that were tracked in the five years before this significant drop off.

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

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Astonishing that the feds found weapons in a weapon shop! The only thing sillier would be if someone looked for coffins at a graveyard. Oh, wait a minute….

Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum

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…and the penny drops.

Marijuana Issue Sent to a Joint Committee

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They probably discussed the measure during a potluck dinner.

Homeless Survive Winter: Now What?

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We can’t tell if this headline is written from a perspective of seeking a new purpose for the homeless, of if it reflects the growing horror of the writer, who had hoped the cold temperatures would have taken care of the pesky problem.

Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police

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They have, however, been known to vote in quite a few elections.

17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree

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The article leaves unanswered how many were dead to start with.

Cow Urine Makes for Juicy Lemons

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We couldn’t bring ourselves to read the article itself, out of fear that it was a recipe for the latest fad diet.

Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head

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At last, some good news! Anyone who walks away from an accident like this with a little leg pain shouldn’t be complaining.

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers

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Don’t be too quick to laugh at this one. The same couldn’t be said about the €150,000 bridge that was built for squirrels.

City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells

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Perhaps it was while seeking the answer to this problem that the mayor of one city drowned in a vat of raw sewage.

Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed

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Maybe it balanced out by opening a meeting about closed meetings?

Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for Deaf

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Don’t laugh. There are some of us whose vocal skills can only be appreciated among those who can’t hear them.

Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors

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Sadly, the plan for improving community health through mattress salesman just didn’t pan out.

Man With 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem

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The first step is admitting that you have a problem.

New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice

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“And while we’re on the topic of all of you discourteous employees who don’t plan out your illnesses, let’s address our Emergency Room policy. We don’t want you running off to the hospital every time you break your leg….”

Parents Keep Kids Home To Protest School Closure

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That’ll show ‘em. That’s like the people who protested a new Sega video game and tried to teach the company a lesson by causing its sales to boom.

Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd

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…and THAT’s like the school that had to cancel its “Uncomfortable Learning” lecture because students found the topic uncomfortable.

Starvation Can Lead to Health Hazards

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Fortunately, obesity isn’t one of them.

Total Lunar Eclipse Will be Broadcast Live on Northwoods Public Radio

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We’re told that listeners had difficulty seeing the image, though.

Rangers Get Whiff of Colon

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The poor guy probably had to put up with jokes about his name his entire life, just like Dr. Whet Faartz

Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient

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It sounds like this “miracle cure” was administered by the same doctor who killed 3 people while performing one surgical procedure.

Illinois Executive To Enter Witness Protection Program

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The headline, name of the witness, details about what he is supposed to testify about, and his photograph, all in one article. On a positive note, they didn’t publish his new address.

Large Selection Fresh Caught Canadians

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It’s so hard to find good recipes for Canadians, but the offer of getting a free heart-shaped ravioli with the purchase was the deal-closer for us.

Northfield Plans to Plan Strategic Plan

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Unfortunately, their plan to plan a strategic plan wasn’t nearly as strategic.

And sometimes the attempt to correct the mistake can be even more entertaining, as was the case in this situation.

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