Few predicaments are more awkward than finding out the hard way that there is no toilet paper when you need it the most. It is in times like this you may find yourself wondering about acceptable toilet paper alternatives. Newspaper? Pages from a magazine? Photographs of your ex that you keep for just such a situation?

Far be it from us to pass judgment on whatever comes to mind for your particular favorite toilet paper alternatives. If you find yourself at a loss for options or if you are pondering which might be the most pleasurable, you might consider the helpful advice of Sir Thomas Urquhart.

Toilet Paper Alternatives From the Mind of Thomas Urquhart

Thomas Urquhart was a 17th century Scottish eccentric who earned our attention with this article. He returns to Commonplace Fun Facts because of the insights he offers in his 1653 translation of the words of Rabelais. First of all, he presents some delightful synonyms for “toilet paper.” After reading this, we’re never going to use such a pedestrian term again. Instead, our shopping list will indicate the need for “tail-napkins” or “bunghole cleansers.”

We suspect Urquhart’s favorite toilet paper alternative might give our local grocer a bit of a challenge, however:

I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temperate heat of the goose . . .

A couple of take-aways from Urquhart’s observations:

• We can only imagine all the different “bumfodders” Urquhart sampled before settling on the neck of a goose. We heard stories from those who lived through the Great Depression about using corncobs, and that alone is plenty of fuel for nightmares. Evidently, Thomas Urquhart’s experimentation went way beyond anything like that.
• Urquhart seems to have been looking for more than functionality. He clearly was going for comfort. Television advertisements about the virtue of two-ply toilet paper over single-ply don’t hold a candle to Urquhart’s poetic praise of how the down of a goose feels against one’s “nockhole.”
• Most distressingly — for the goose, anyway — Urquhart’s recommendations appear to refer to a live goose. Notice that he commends not only the softness of the goose neck, but its temperate heat, as well. We can’t help but wonder how the goose felt about this inglorious assignment, whether it was trained for this purpose, and how much one would have to trust the creature before ever permitting its head to come into proximity to such delicate parts of the anatomy.

Have you had an experience similar to Thomas Urquhart’s? Why don’t you call our friends at the ASPCA? We’re sure they’d love to hear all about it.

---