Among the many distressing aspects of the COVID-19 pandemic was a terrifying few weeks when civilization faced a global toilet paper shortage. Although not the first such scare, it was, for many, the moment at which the reality of the pandemic hit home.

During those frantic days, the price of toilet paper skyrocketed and it became a black market commodity, as toilet paper became almost as valuable as gold.

If you were one of those desperate consumers, you might not be quite as shocked to hear of the most expensive roll of toilet paper ever made. The Australian company Toilet Paper Man holds the distinction of producing a roll of toilet paper priced at $1,376,900.

What justifies such a price tag? Granted, it is 3-ply paper, but that is not its biggest selling point. The thing that makes this roll so distinctive is that it has 22-carat gold flakes throughout every piece of paper. The process is slow; it took four years just to make one roll.

In offering the product to the public, the company proclaimed, “As you use the toilet paper 22-carat gold flakes will fall onto the floor and your behind taking you to another level of sophistication. We have only been able to produce one roll at this stage. Naturally, it comes gift wrapped. This is 100 percent usable and safe and made proudly in Australia.”

If it makes a difference for budgeting purposes, the gold roll is offered with a complimentary bottle of champagne and personal delivery — presumably saving the buyer the cost of shipping and handling.

As of this writing, it appears that only one roll of the precious wiping material has been manufactured, and the company’s website reports the sad news that the one they made has already been sold.

Sadly, despite diligent efforts on the part of the Commonplace Fun Facts Research Department, we have been unable to find any customer reviews to indicate the level of satisfaction at its use.

We promise to continue trying to get to the bottom of the matter.

We promise to look into this and wipe away all doubt.

We are flushed with excitement at the prospect of finding more details.

We are confident that if you use this product, all your financial problems will be behind you.

EDITOR’S NOTE: For crying out loud! Can we find SOMEONE to write this article who doesn’t have the mentality of a junior high boy?