As previously noted on these pages, North Korea’s official news agency has been a goldmine of implausible gems. This is not a new phenomenon. The state-run news outlet has long been responsible for letting North Koreans know just how amazing their leaders are. Take a look at the official accounts of the men who led the Hermit Kingdom.
Kim Jong-il had a supernatural birth. Kim Jong-il was the second leader of North Korea. He ruled from 1994 until his death in 2011. Apparently, anyone who witnessed his birth wouldn’t have been surprised to see him rise to greatness. According to his official biography, his birth was prophesized by a swallow. He was born on Korea’s most sacred mountain, Mt. Baekdu. At the moment of his birth, a new star formed and illuminated the sky. At the same time, the seasons suddenly changed from winter to spring and a double rainbow appeared. This is far more interesting than the records maintained by Russia, which have him born in 1941 in the Siberian village of Vyatskoye.
Kim Jong-il was a fashion icon. Shortly before his death in 2011, Kim Jong-il’s signature grey military styling was being celebrated by the world’s top fashion designers, according to state media, who quoted an unnamed French designer saying “Kim Jong-il mode, which is now spreading expeditiously worldwide, is something unprecedented in the world’s history.” They believed this so much that when The Onion ran a parody article in 2012, proclaiming Kim Jong-Un “The Sexiest Man Alive,” the official Chinese People’s Daily English language website ran with the story, unaware that it was satire.
The world loved Kim Jong-il. North Korea has a particularly bad reputation in the world, but the North Koreans are oblivious of that fact. They are made to believe that North Korea is a phenomenally important country and that Kim Jong-il was the world’s most powerful leader. Every country celebrated Kim Jong-il‘s birthday, didn’t you know?
Kim Jong-il invented the hamburger. Minju Joson, the North Korean publication, credits Kim Jong-il with creating the hamburger. According to the paper, the leader invented a brand new sandwich and named it, “double bread with meat.” The new food was meant to supply quality nutrition to teachers and students. Next, a plant was set up for mass “double bread with meat” production.
Kim Jong-il proved the healthful practice of eating sawdust. He may have invented the hamburger, but he really pushed sawdust as the meal of choice for his citizens. Kim Jong-il claimed sawdust was full of nutrients and encouraged his citizens to chow down on wood shavings during the regular times of famine.
Kim Jong-il was a child prodigy. According to official records in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-il started walking when he was 3 weeks old and could talk at 8 weeks.
Kim Jong-il was a master golfer. According to his biography, Kim Jong-il first picked up a golf club in 1994, at North Korea’s only golf course. He shot a 38-under par round that included no fewer than 11 holes in one.
Kim Jong-il never used a toilet. That’s right. His biography states that the leader never used a toilet. His body was so perfectly tuned that he had no need to go Number One or Number Two.
Kim Jong-il could control the weather with his mood. Kim Jong-il could make it rain depending upon his mood. It was also reported some North Koreans believed he had magical abilities that helped him to control the weather.
Kim Jong-il: prolific author and musician. During his stint at Kim Il-Sung University, Kim Jong-il authored a staggering 1,500 books in less than three years and also composed six full operas. The operas, according to his biography, were better than any in the history of music
Like Father, Like Son. Kim Jong-un is just as amazing as his father, according to North Korean state media which revealed he was a gifted sailor as a youth – who also learned to drive at the age of three. The younger Kim is also a celebrated musical composer and artist, who is celebrated around the world.
Kim Jong-un is an expert mountain climber. Kim Jong-un claims to have conquered the country’s highest mountain peak, Mount Paektu. According to news reports, the leader reached the top of the 9,022-foot (2,750-meter) peak with hundreds of fighter pilots and party officials. Elaborating on his experience he said, “Climbing Mount Paektu provides precious mental pabulum more powerful than any kind of nuclear weapon.”
Kim Jong-un was a master yachter at the age of 9. According to the book Kim Jong-un’s Revolutionary Activities, the Korean leader raced the chief executive of a foreign yacht company and overcame great odds to clinch the race….at just 9 years old.
The Japanese stole time, So Kim Jong-un Stole it Back. North Koreans believe that during the occupation by Japanese “imperialists” in 1919, time was stolen. In 2015, Kim Jong-un decided enough is enough. North Korea set its clock back by 30 minutes.
AIDS, Ebola, MERS, and SARS are all easily curable. The cures haven’t been revealed, but fret not, North Korea has them.
There is no such thing as the internet. The only people with access to the internet in North Korea are government officials. The state tells its citizens it’s a notion invented by the west.
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Categories: Government, Mythology, Politics, Stupidity
And then there was the time the old man went bowling for the first time and rolled a 300. If only Trump could convince Fox to tell stories like that.
The North Korean’s talent for coming up with nonsense is impressive. Of course, all it would take is widespread access to the Internet for the North Koreans to realize this, then they’d revolt.
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That or their brainwashing is so severe that they wouldn’t believe it.
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That’s probably part of their strategy about keeping the population at near-starvation levels. With all of their time being spent on trying to stay alive, they don’t have the luxury of acquiring information.